Why is it so easy to talk to our partners about our hopes, fears, and dreams—but talking about our finances feels so hard? I recently had the opportunity to tackle this topic in a panel discussion about money and relationships in partnership with ATB. We explored the impact of financial stress on our nervous systems, how it affects our relationships, and tools you can use to navigate these challenges. Here are some of the main takeaways from the discussion, from my perspective. 

What is financial stress?

Financial stress lives in our bank accounts and our bodies. When you experience any type of stress, your brain shifts into survival mode—which can show up as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Some people might completely avoid looking at their bank account, while others may turn to emotional spending or experience hypervigilance. When your nervous system is dysregulated, it becomes difficult to make logical choices about your money. 

As a financial educator who has ADHD, I shared in the panel discussion that money stress is exacerbated when you’re neurodivergent. Executive function challenges, impulsivity, and overwhelm are all amplified—making it difficult to make financial decisions, regulate your emotions, and manage stress. This is compounded by the fact that the majority of financial education, tools, and systems were created by and for people who are neurotypical. 

When you’re neurodivergent, the challenge is finding new and creative ways to manage your money and alleviate stress. For example, meditation is commonly suggested as a way to regulate, but I personally find it more frustrating to try and quiet my brain. Instead, I might co-regulate by spending time with someone who has a calming presence. 

Financial stress and relationships 

Many couples avoid talking about money until there is financial stress because they feel shame. Culturally, we’ve been taught that it’s taboo to talk about money, and that our financial challenges are a moral failing. We begin to tie our net worth to our self worth because we believe that it’s our fault we are struggling with money. In reality, those challenges are often a symptom of generational trauma and capitalist systems—both of which are beyond an individual's control. 

There’s also a very real fear associated with disclosing your financial situation to your partner. Research shows that 1 in 10 Canadians have considered breaking up, separating or divorcing due to financial stress. Having those conversations involves being vulnerable and trusting that they won’t judge you. On the panel, I spoke about how the antidote to this fear is curiosity. In a relationship you’re melding two money stories together—so being curious with your partner helps you learn how their views on money differ from yours. Observe their behaviour around money, ask thoughtful questions, and seek to understand how their money story was created without judgement. Doing so helps you feel more safe and connected as you navigate your finances together. 

Tools and systems to support you 

When it comes to managing financial stress, first and foremost—the nervous system has to feel safe. Focus on regulation first, then you can move into problem-solving. When you’re feeling ready, try to build momentum through small wins. Remember that traditional financial systems aren’t built for everyone and you might have to get creative with your solutions. The goal is to work with your brain—by making money more rewarding, and removing barriers to hard tasks. 

One of my biggest takeaways from the panel was how engaging different areas of your brain like your vision and language centres—by talking about money, planning, or using visual trackers—can actually help you make more rational decisions. My partner and I put this into practice when we were going through the home-buying process by having a lot of money conversations, mapping out our downpayment goal, and creating a color-in savings tracker. 

When it comes to financial conversations, my advice is to start with a fun topic. Talk about what you would do if you won the lottery, or your definition of financial freedom. This allows you to get more comfortable discussing money before diving into the heavier topics. The goal is to get to a place where asking your partner about money is as easy as asking what they want for dinner.

During this panel discussion we talked a lot about the intersection between our money, our bodies, and our relationships. When your nervous system is out of whack, it impacts your ability to communicate and be present. You might feel disconnected from your partner and lack the capacity to cultivate intimacy. 

Money and emotions can be hard to untangle, but regulating your nervous system allows you to make decisions without letting the emotion fully take over. You can approach financial conversations with less shame, and more curiosity. When we understand why things are happening, we can start to change how we show up—for ourselves and for our relationships.