Estates
Win-win estate planning - how to navigate difficult estate planning decisions
By Tanis Jalbert, BCom, LLB, TEP 19 August 2026 5 min read
For many, the reason we put off estate planning is that it may involve hard decisions, but another common reason for procrastinating is disagreement between family members. This could be in the context of differing goals between spouses or partners or anticipated conflict within the family as a result of the estate plan.
So how do you navigate these bumps in the road in order to move forward with your estate plan?
The “right” communication technique
Whether the road block is differing goals or trying to balance provision for children or other family members, the starting point is always communication. This may sound oversimplified but it’s the key to resolving differences and conflict.
That said, there is a difference between “right” communication and “wrong” communication. “Right” communication starts with “I” language as opposed to “you” language. For example, “I would like to leave something as a gift from us to our grandchildren” as opposed to “you aren’t thinking about our grandchildren.” This small difference can have a dramatic effect on how the message is received and prevent a defensive response.
Another key part of “right” communication is how we speak. This includes our body language, eye contact and tone of voice.
Finally, but perhaps most important, successful communication requires the ability to actively listen. This means not interrupting and focusing on what others are saying as opposed to what your response will be.
These small tweaks to how we communicate can play a huge role in what unfolds from our conversations.
Where to start?
When considering where to start the communication, generally if you are in a relationship, a conversation with your spouse or partner is a good place to begin. From there you may move to conversations with children or other family members to help provide direction on some of the more difficult decisions. Read more about how to have those conversations in our article “Silence isn’t peace: Navigating estate planning’s hardest (and most important) conversation.”
Consider this farming example. It may be that you want to sell your farm land because you think none of the children are interested in farming and it will be the easiest path to ensuring everything is fair. However, your spouse may want to keep the farm in the family. Once you and your spouse identify each of your goals, this is a great opportunity to open the doors of communication with your children to find out if they are interested in farming or keeping the land to rent. While the decision is ultimately yours, other family members’ thoughts, interests and future plans can be valuable input in helping to make some of the difficult decisions.
Win-Win estate planning
So now that you know who to communicate with when considering an estate plan, what do you need to do to achieve a win-win estate plan?
- Whether the communication is between spouses or with other family members, the first step is to have each person identify their BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement) and WATNA (worst alternative to a negotiated agreement). In other words, determine your best-case scenario and worst-case scenario. Often the win-win is somewhere in the middle, in what is called the ZOPA (zone of possible agreement).
- Next, look for common ground or interests. Often there are glimmers of consensus. For example, a family meeting about the family cottage may reveal the common interest is keeping the cottage in the family. Another example could be that both spouses want to leave an inheritance for their children but one thinks the children should receive their inheritance as a lump sum and the other thinks that would be too much all at once. The underlying common ground is caring for the children.
- While there may be common ground, there are often still differences—and that is OK. Reframing how you view those differences can have a dramatic effect on how they are resolved. In other words, if you view differences as an opportunity to think outside the box, a number of new possibilities will emerge. In fact, differences could be thought of as the catalyst for coming up with a win-win solution and perhaps in the end, the best-case scenario for all involved.
Using the family cottage example, once we know everyone wants to keep the cottage, we are already in a win situation. If the concern is how the children will share the cottage, that is a solvable issue. Reframing that concern as a good thing creates new possibilities to set your children up for success and be proactive to avoid future conflicts. This also holds true in the situation where both parents want to take care of their children, but one has concerns with giving them too much money at one time. This allows you to put planning in place to ensure your children are not only taken care of but their inheritance is protected for their future. - At this point in the process, there is value in bringing in a third party such as an estate planning lawyer. A lawyer that focuses on estate planning will be familiar with these situations and can provide an objective point of view on possibilities for a middle ground where there are differences. While each estate plan is unique to the individuals, there are common planning tools available to resolve dilemmas that may arise. For example, in the family cottage scenario, getting legal advice on how you could pass the cottage on to your children and/or use of a co-ownership agreement could result in a win-win. Further, where both spouses want to take care of their children, an estate planning lawyer could provide advice on how to structure the inheritance. For example, they give some of the inheritance as a lump sum and the rest could be set up in a testamentary trust.
- Finally, remember there are some things you do not have to agree on with a spouse or partner. For example, your care wishes in your personal directive or what to do with your personal belongings in your will are individual choices and can be different between spouses or partners.
While some of these suggestions may seem like a challenge, approaching the process with an open mind is key. That along with “right” communication will help to facilitate a win-win estate plan and preserve family relationships.
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